You don’t need to be on the verge of separating to seek couples therapy. Feeling stuck, disconnected, or wanting to strengthen and build on the foundation your marriage already has are all reasons to consider doing relationship work.

Of course, reaching out for couples therapy isn’t always simple - we are masterful at finding reasons not to do something that makes us uncomfortable. Cost, time, and wondering whether your partner will agree could all persuade you to see if things improve on their own. Then something happens, and you’re back in familiar territory.

We wish everyone would prioritize their relationship and ensure a solid foundation in communication, repairing, and making agreements that couples therapy supports. You’re allowed to ask for help before things become unbearable.

You keep having the same argument, even when the subject changes

This week it’s spending. Last week it was whether you’re attending an event together. Underneath, you may be having a familiar conversation about whose needs matter, who carries the responsibility, and ruminating or score-keeping as to who does more.

In couples therapy, we’re looking for patterns. Your couples therapist can help you understand what happens between you: how a concern becomes a criticism, how an explanation becomes a defence, and how you both end up feeling unheard. Understanding that sequence often helps couples zoom out to see the dynamics they’re stuck in.

You’re getting along, but you’re not feeling close

Some couples manage a household very well while feeling increasingly alone within it. There may be a lot of practical conversations and even skillful family administration, but you don’t feel connected to your partner.

You may be arguing less because you’ve stopped bringing things up, or you fear hurting their feelings. You thought your marriage would include more affection, sex, humour, or interest in each other. Maybe your partner feels like your best friend, but there’s something lacking…

Couples therapy doesn’t require significant injuries, crises or dramatic events. In fact, if everyone would go for relationship work before these arise, you’d be better positioned to weather life’s challenges. Some of the couples who work with us in our west Ottawa office appreciate the specific work they’ve done to foster closeness in their marriage, and others appreciate the session time to have undistracted, emotionally intimate time with their partner.

Life has changed, and your relationship needs to catch up

Parenting, caregiving, illness, retirement, or changes at work can shift the balance of a relationship. Arrangements that once felt fair may no longer work and couples therapy can support you to revisit roles and agreements.

Couples therapy can provide space to ask: what are we each carrying now? What have we assumed the other person understands? What needs to change?