Communicating with Your Partner When One (or Both) of You Have ADHD

You’re typing a message and your partner asks you a question and then walks away. Your partner makes a request of you and you say that you’re on it, but then you forget and it’s an issue later on. You ask your partner a question that’s “yes or no” in your mind, and you feel annoyed when they start talking about multiple tangential topics.

We live in an attention-challenged era. You don’t have to have ADHD to feel that way, but many of our clients in our west Ottawa therapy practice do. In their relationships and marriages, communication challenges can look like disinterest, impatience, or unnecessary amounts of detail. Whether it’s in individual or couples therapy, when ADHD is part of the explanation, we can support you in a way that ensures everyone’s experience and perspective matters.

Here’s some of our ADHD therapists’ best advice:

1. Make sure you’re in the same conversation

Saying something out loud when your partner is in the same vicinity is not the same thing as having a conversation. Especially if both of you have ADHD, your partner could be deep in a train of thought and not hear you even if it looks like they’re doing “nothing.”

Practical tip: Begin with, “I’d like to talk about [specific topic]. Is now a good time?” Give each other a moment to shift attention. If now is not a good time, ask for a specific time - “When could you talk about it? I’ll set an alarm with a label.” (All our ADHD-ers use alarms with labels!)

2. Acknowledge the ADHD tendency to go “deep and wide”

You asked if your partner was planning on going out today - you think this is a yes or no question. But your partner (who has ADHD), starts telling you about the soil acidity on your property and the different challenges to counteracting it given your landscaping goals. After minutes go by, you prompt them, “I asked if you were going out - it’s a yes or no question!” And your tone hurts their feelings and they withdraw or you have an argument.

One of things our therapists love about adults with ADHD - they’re still passionate about their special interests and they like seeing the connection in all things. When it comes to ADHD in a marriage or relationship, some people with ADHD describe following connections, exploring possibilities, and providing context when they talk as a critical part of what they value in a relationship as it brings them joy.

When you’re trying to communicate around logistics however, it can be frustrating when an ADHD partner explores possibilities or provides context beyond what feels helpful. Making room for both experiences can help prevent one partner feeling rushed or dismissed; the person listening may feel overwhelmed or unable to find the answer they need.

Protect time for reviewing plans and commitments so there’s space for thinking things through out loud. Have an agreement - and even a code word! - to signal to your ADHD partner that you need a short answer.

Practical tip: Agree on a shared cue: “Could I have the short answer first, and then we can explore the rest?”

3. Give important agreements somewhere to live

In my home, we have a whiteboard. We used to just list the things that needed doing on the whiteboard. Then I realized that we were lacking accountability - who was going to be following up on what?

Adults with ADHD (and busy families with attention scarcity) need a place for agreements to live so you’re not burning your precious resources trying to remember it all. On top of that, prevent frustration in your relationship by explicitly stating who is responsible and making sure that is getting recorded. (Even ask, and who will put that on the white board?)

Practical tip: End a planning conversation with one clear agreement: what will happen, who will take responsibility, and where it will be recorded. Choose a shared reminder or calendar only if both people find it useful.

Revisit agreements. So many folks with ADHD have systems that have tried and failed. There are lots of tips out there to live with ADHD and feel more organized, but the point is, you have to try them and then you have to revisit them. There’s no system that can operate indefinitely without management and review time, so bake that into your relationship schedule to prevent frustration and resentment.

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If this describes your relationship, it may be worth exploring the experience more deeply with someone who understands ADHD and how it impacts relationships. There is a way to do relationship and marriage in a way that supports overcoming ADHD. If you’re curious about working together - as an individual or a couple - you’re welcome to book a call with our admin team to see whether our approach feels like a supportive fit.

Here are some other ADHD Therapy posts