Social Media Dependence: Why Your Brain is Not the Bad Guy

Like everyone else on planet Earth, when your teen has a moment to themselves during their busy day, they crave entertainment and distraction. As therapists and parents (and smartphone owners!), we know that between updates from family and friends and funny videos, there’s also dread-inducing news headlines, rage-bait, and influencer content.

Teens may not realize how the ostensibly harmless scroll break leaves them feeling utterly burnt out - hence why they pick their phone right back up after a short break. If your teen notices the pattern they may - on top of the burnout - feel confused and guilty about why they seem to keep going back for more when their nervous system is already fried. We address this in the therapy office all the time - social media isn’t designed to make us happy, it’s just designed to make us look.

The Pull of Social Media is Hardwired

Content that elicits negative emotions like sadness, anxiety, or anger captures our attention – and thrives in the algorithm – because it exploits what researchers call the negativity bias. Researchers have observed that people process negative information:

• Deeper than positive information

• With a stronger commitment to memory

• With greater emotional impact 

Evolutionary psychologists believe that the negativity bias must have survived thousands of years of evolution because it alerts our nervous systems to threats, which gives us three important insights: 

• None of us are alone in feeling stressed and burnt out by social media.

• Feeling irresistibly drawn to social media isn’t a failure of willpower, it’s hardwired.

• Our brains aren’t trying to harm us, they’re trying to protect us. 

Importantly, the negativity bias declines with age but is strongest in teens. If you’re a parent with children in their teen years, you may sometimes feel puzzled as to why you perceive your family as blessed or privileged, but it seems like your teens don’t feel that way.

Why We Punish Ourselves

Punitive understandings of addiction and dependence can indulge our desire to attack, restrict, and discipline the parts of ourselves we see as weak, lazy, or inadequate. But just like all the other parts of you, those parts are just trying to help you survive. The part that keeps us going back to social media despite burnout is just seeking joy, rest, and safety. (Teens actually do really well with what therapy refers to as “parts work” that harnesses this kind of insight for better emotion regulation and self-understanding.)

But not all social media use is wrong or unhealthy. Research shows that social media use focused on positive engagement, creativity, and actual socializing can fulfill those needs. With boundary-setting tools like screentime agreements and monitoring, adolescents can maintain healthy relationships with social media. So how can parents identify when social media use and information burnout are affecting teens?

If, along with increasing screen time, you notice patterns in your teen like:

• Inconsistent sleep schedule

• Low mood

• More scrolling than socializing

You don’t need to wait for it to become a problem you can label – it’s okay to reach out and ask about how therapy can help.

A Care-Based Mindset

When we shift our mindset from seeing social media dependence purely as a bad habit to seeing it as an unsuccessful strategy to meet needs like joy and safety, not only are we honouring our nervous system’s lifelong mission to take care of us, but we also alleviate some of the secondary emotions caused by social media dependence. You know them: shame and guilt.

While they may outwardly disavow your dad jokes and outdated pop culture references, your teen takes all kinds of leads from you about how to see and feel about themselves. Here are some ways you can share a caring mindset with your teen:

• See the need. Remember that, even if they manage it differently, your teen is drawn to social media for the same reason as you and everyone else.

• Offer alternatives. Walks, family time, or private creative hobbies are great ways to give our nervous systems some rest, but it’s as easy for them as it is for us to forget how good those practices can feel.

• Keep routines in place. Consistent boundaries between school, extracurriculars, and home life help tired brains get rest when it’s time to rest, rather than bracing for the next demand.

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If you’ve noticed your teen struggling with social media dependence, they’re not alone and neither are you. Feel free to get in touch with us to learn how therapy for teens can help.

Here are some other Therapy for Teens posts