Reconnecting with Loved Ones After Trauma
When we can still feel the hurt from a recent, past, or even childhood trauma, all kinds of negative emotions flood our minds to remind us just how much danger we’re in in moments of vulnerability and connection with others. After a traumatic experience, most of us want nothing more than for everything to be back to normal; the way it was ‘before’. But often just the opposite happens: the world changes from the inside out, sometimes slowly, sometimes overnight. Suddenly relationships where we felt safe being vulnerable before aren’t safe anymore. Maybe you’ve noticed yourself changing the subject when someone asks how you’re doing, or brushing off offers of help and connection even when you desperately want the support. In these moments, vulnerability is just too much of a risk. If you find yourself feeling this way, know that you haven’t suddenly become a bad partner, family member, or friend. Feeling unsafe with the people you love most in the world can be incredibly scary and confusing, but it’s a normal experience after trauma.
Trauma, the Nervous System, and Connecting
When we think of a trauma response, a lot of us think of a PTSD flashback or fears from childhood trauma that loom over adult life. But many of the deepest impacts of trauma show in our ability to build and take care of relationships with others.
When our nervous systems’ top priority is preventing more trauma, the best way not to get hurt is to keep a safe distance from everyone. This doesn’t necessarily look like pushing loved ones away, but it can look like feeling numb when hugging your mom, or finding yourself unable to relax enough to laugh with friends. This guarding response doesn’t discriminate between new or old or close or distant relationships, it can make it difficult to connect even with the people closest to us. It’s not your fault and it’s not a malfunction or problem, it’s an adaptive part of the system that evolved to keep us safe. That said, surviving trauma is not the same as healing – it doesn’t have to be this way forever.
Misconceptions about Trauma Therapy
It’s a common misconception that trauma counselling is just about telling your story, like you can somehow make traumatic memories lose their power just by forcing yourself to relive them enough. It’s no wonder, then, that people who have experienced trauma can be reluctant to seek support when that’s what they imagine it will look like. In fact, many trauma and PTSD specialists, including those of us at the Wren Centre, take a very different approach.
Feeling Safe in Trauma Therapy
At the Wren, we prioritize feeling safe in therapy. When trauma has disrupted your ability to connect with others, your relationship with your therapist acts as a safe space to explore what feelings come up when you attempt to reconnect, and within that relationship it’s integral that you feel allowed to exercise choice and honour your limits. To that end, learning to recognize your nervous system’s cues of danger and overwhelm – even in safe environments – is foundational to trauma therapy.
Some ways your therapist might help you tune into and advocate for your nervous system include:
Explicitly addressing how you can communicate boundaries when therapy approaches something you’re not ready to talk about
Inviting you to notice body language you weren’t aware of, like hunching your shoulders or holding your breath
Incorporating somatic awareness into key moments in therapy, like asking how your body feels in a moment of stress or relief
If trauma has disrupted your connections with others, it makes sense if it feels impossible to figure out by yourself. It’s okay to seek support. If you find yourself struggling to reconnect with loved ones after trauma, a trauma therapist might be someone who can help you explore and understand what’s holding you back. If you’re interested in learning more, feel free to book a free consultation or reach out to us to learn more.